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| 12:47pm 18/07/2009 |
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mood:  energetic
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while i could never explain why, there are moments where i feel as though i'm nothing but sinew and bone, wit and strength.
this is one of those moments.
i can punch harder than anyone ever has before.
i am the fastest man alive - i could easily outpace the fastest cars.
i can kick down trees, karate chop bricks into sand, and not suffer a single scrape because of it.
at this precise second, i am untouchable. invincible. i am connor macleod taking on the fucking kurgan.
and i don't even need a sword. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| on mirrors and moments. |
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| 07:45pm 13/07/2009 |
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mood:  discontent music: oasis - don't look back in anger
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"this is a body that tells a story," she said, and her fingertips caressed that body gently, slowly, as if they were trying to commit every inch to memory. "there are marks and tags that serve as the chapter of your self-improvement. each scar -" this punctuated with a lingering graze against his leg "- is a paragraph of pain, minor or otherwise. i feel as though i would know so much of you even if we'd never spoken, if this was all we had."
in stark reality, it is a body that is riddled with bumps and grooves; with lines that even time won't fade; with discolorations and pock marks and flaws that all serve as reminders of occasions where it lacked grace, where it lacked self-control, where it simply lacked. it may tell a story, but the tale isn't the most heartening - you certainly wouldn't lull your son or daughter to sleep with it.
and the heart and soul inside that body is simply having a moment where it can't possibly fathom, if it doesn't love itself, how could anybody else? |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 07:35pm 07/07/2009 |
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mood:  angry
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i hope that this makes you feel better.
i hope that you have found what you were looking for. |
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| on applicability. |
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| 07:19pm 06/07/2009 |
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mood:  contemplative
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"i just don't like that thought, you know? 'everything's broken, so let's keep breaking it.'" |
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| 10:57am 06/07/2009 |
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mood:  indescribable music: gym class heroes -- cupid's chokehold / breakfast in america
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and the worst part is that you know precisely how i'll react to your every word. |
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| 04:41pm 28/06/2009 |
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mood:  pensive
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no, of course you didn't, and i'd take it back in a heartbeat if i was capable of doing so.
i don't feel that that mitigates how i feel upon hearing that, though.
maybe i'm wrong. usually am. |
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| 11:21am 11/06/2009 |
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mood:  weird music: liepajan symphony orchestra - the final countdown
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it's raining - has been raining since sometime before i woke up from a nap, from what i gather, and is probably the reason the nap lasted so long - and all i have to say about that is: sometimes the weather knows more than we do. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| on change (of schedules). |
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| 08:32am 06/06/2009 |
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mood:  optimistic
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this morning i walked into work and saw nothing but faces i can't help but be happy to work with; alex, humberto and corey are all here on the tech ii team. even david's jab about my being in five minutes early - "that must be some sort of record!" - was welcome. john has my same shift now, so i look forward to tons of conversations about turning ergot-growing rye bread into lsd on slow saturdays.
this is my domain. everyone is happy to see me, and i am happy to see them in turn. |
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| happenstance. |
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| 12:54pm 22/05/2009 |
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mood:  amused
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i am fidgeting with my hair outside, taking in the unseasonally nice weather as i grasp at strands and tufts, tugging and brushing and fluffing unconsciously as two men walk by and one comments
- "i don't think you need to pull your hair up anymore."
which he punctuates with lilting laughter. the comment could be considered rude if it weren't for the fact that i simply explain to him his mistake, that
+ "no, no, not quite; i fluff it out to appear larger to predators and make them less likely to attack."
his chuckling stops, and he gives me the same awkward, uncomfortable look my doctor gave me when i first explained my headaches to him. they continue walking in silence as my lips spread into an imperfect, slightly lopsided smile.
does this mean i need a haircut? |
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Read 9 - Post |
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| "i put a sticker that says 'i am a fucking genius' on the inside of my car window so i remember." |
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| 03:37pm 19/05/2009 |
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mood:  relaxed
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plans / to-do list for the remainder of may:
- taking jayson to no doubt/paramore/the sounds for his birthday on saturday (23rd), courtesy of lori (i can't say thanks enough!).
- attending "rock and roll prom" for memorial day (25th) at bookmans; trying not to feel out of place around a ton of people i've never really met (for this too).
- movie screening for disney/pixar's up! next tuesday (26th - um, yeah, this as well).
- cableone's tech ii vs. management softball game *wholesale slaughter next saturday (30th).
+ classwork / seminars (thursdays 6pm / sundays 5pm) peppered in.
+ hopefully finding and purchasing a new laptop.
i have not been this busy (for legitimate social reasons) in a long while, and it's kind of refreshing. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| 10:03am 08/05/2009 |
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mood:  working
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this is not pertinent information, but i just wanted to share that this..
Hello All,
I wanted to let everyone know the Internet Support Engineers will be performing maintenance updates to every CMTS across the company the first part of the coming week. This is a routine firmware update and should be hitless and transparent to the customers.
While this maintenance should not impact any customers, it will be done during the maintenance windows on Monday through Thursday and starting with the Central division moving to the Southeast and finishing with the Western division.
If there are any questions please direct them to Phoenix Office – Internet Support Engineers.
Thank you,
Jason Crabtree
Internet Support Engineer
Cable One Inc.
...is going to end in disaster, and a ridiculously busy work week next week.
"hitless and transparent" and murphy's law cannot peacefully co-exist. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| on pablo's new girlfriend being a four year old named merlin. |
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| 12:26am 06/05/2009 |
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mood:  tired music: aerosmith -- dream on
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thing, the first: to paraphrase something i said earlier today, "if you told me a year ago i'd at some point have to learn how to change and maintain oxygen tanks for my father, i would never have believed you."
really, i think that applies for a -ton- of things in my life in the past year too various and sundry to list. i suppose that's how life goes, but it's astonishing when you actually look back at it.
thing, the second: i just came home from a cinco de mayo party (which was dubbed by the hostesses as 'cinco de bbq'), and.. well, here, why don't i just play it out for you?
+ pablo, would you like to see an example of how the world shrinks around me?
- not -really,- but you're going to show me anyway.
+ indeed. jason, you used to go to rocky all the time, right?
= i sure did.
+ right. when pablo introduced me as christian, it's because it's sort of dependent on where precisely in my timeline he met me; you probably met me as jordan.
= ...oh, wow. you lost a lot of weight.
+ yeah, i know. things happen.
= i mean.. a lot. i didn't recognize you.
+ i get that sometimes.
= you also look way different when you're not wearing fishnets and glitter.
+ i've toned it down a bit.
these things just happen to me, and i don't know why. i get the feeling i could go to another continent and run into someone i've met. i wish there was an easy way to explain this phenomenon.
thing, the third: this journal's not defunct, per se, but i'll be switching things over to timeandtempest soon enough, so at some point - probably tomorrow or the next day - i'll be making all the entries public again for posterity's sake. no huge deal, but just putting it out there.
more to the point, i haven't done this in a while and want to (start to) close the entries in here on an interesting / curious note, so..
anyone who reads and gives a damn gets one question to ask; i'll answer completely honestly, at length (well, comparatively), and to the best of my ability. i'll screen comments just because i'm not sure if i'm going to respond in a separate post or just make all of them available - depends on how in-depth the question is, i guess, and if it's more prudent to respond directly instead of somewhere so readily available. either way, you've got until 12:01 am on saturday, the 9th. hop to. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| 10:15am 05/05/2009 |
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mood:  nostalgic
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confession: there are days when i am certain that i will end up a postmodern version of one of that guy who never moved past the eighties and the days of being perpetually adorned with a biker jacket as they followed winger to every stop on their '86 tour.
i'll have shorter hair, though, so at least there's that. |
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| 10:18pm 18/04/2009 |
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mood: weird music: jack johnson - flake
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it's with trepidation that i took the first dose of my prescribed ssri today, and while it's a completely foreign and somewhat odd experience i think this is going to help my quality of life a lot. i wouldn't say the differences before and after are night and day, but it feels -sort- of like a veil being lifted, and in only good ways (though i'm still terribly unnerved by the potential side effects and the concept in general; also, i'm a bit more lethargic than normal, but was told to expect this initially).
i purchased the other two books of eggers' that i had not yet read and/or owned today - how we are hungry and what is the what: the autobiography of valentino achak deng - and i am ecstatic to read them, even if they may not keep me busy for long; i couldn't find overqualified in either bookstar or borders, so will have to resort to ordering it from amazon, though not for a bit.
hope everyone's having a good weekend. |
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| while fire's good, |
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| 05:14pm 17/04/2009 |
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mood:  drained music: bloc party - this modern love
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bullets are better:
- my parents just called me, and apparently their condominium has termites. rather, their whole -complex- has termites, and the homeowner's association has essentially said "fuck you, we're going bankrupt." fantastic.
- i've almost completely lost my voice today. it comes and goes, but that's persisting whereas i no longer (for the most part) feel symptomatic of the flu.
- i feel like an idiot, and really have no one but myself to blame. this isn't really a new concept, but is -completely- different when my follies and neuroses make it so i'm unable to speak to the one person i've grown to appreciate the most.
- i'm starting back to university either in either may or june; should be.. interesting, but i get to take a lot of exciting classes. i just want to be done kicking myself for not having my degree already, and finish it as fast as possible at this point.
- i've been feeling increasingly tired; yesterday i went to sleep early, and today i will probably nap immediately following this entry - i'm hoping this is just the tale end of whatever i've been dealing with.
- once the antibiotics are out of my system (sometime next week), i'm starting sertraline for the anxiety now. anyone who has a decent grasp of.. uh, "me" i guess, or that i talk to frequently, i'd appreciate it if you just let me know if i switch poles completely. apparently this is an important part of the integration into ssris (there's a printout for friends/family and everything; insanity).
mm, that's mostly it. well, there's always plenty else, i guess, but those are the highlights. probably something more poignant later, but sleep for now.
how's everyone else doing? |
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| disconnected dots. |
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| 06:15pm 14/04/2009 |
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mood:  curious music: foo fighters - everlong (acoustic) / damien rice - cheers darlin'
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there are, at any given moment, an undefined but exponential number of thoughts crowding the finite space in my brain. oft times i think that i'm the only one plagued by this sort of concept, but then i'll have a moment of startling lucidity and realize that that's.. well, pretentious, self-important, and all sorts of things i don't want to be.
i've been contemplating, just in the past.. i don't know, hour or so, what it takes to be fascinating without being -imbalanced;- is uniqueness inherent to an individual, or is it true that it's all been done and this is therefore something that requires being striven for? am i unique, and if so, is it in good ways? if not, are the bad ways redeemable?
ponder, ponder, ponder.
in other, less esoteric news, my head is full of fog and every muscle in my body feels weak; i haven't been this sick in a long time, and i hope not to repeat it for just about as long.
i suppose there are other things, but none of them awfully important, and it's a near-certainty that if you're important to me (and care), you know.
sidenote: it's incredibly windy outside, and verging on rain, so i'm going to peruse this rare burst of atypical (for phoenix) weather while trying to avoid getting wet and, one would assume, more ill. |
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| on colloquialisms. |
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| 07:28am 09/04/2009 |
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mood:  sleepy music: death cab for cutie - i will possess your heart
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the phrase "so close, yet so far away." has never meant as much to me as it does now.
work now; writing later. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| de/crescendo. |
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| 07:41pm 03/04/2009 |
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mood: curious music: explosions in the sky - your hand in mine / death cab - transatlanticism
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i wanted desperately for words to bleed out of me - i craved puddles of pixels and a source code full of heart and soul - but every single time a syllable leaves my fingertips, a note hits my ear; for every sentence, a chord tugs my heart.
if there's anything this brief exercise has taught me, it's that i'm out of my element writing fiction.
hm. |
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levelsofsuck's journal
thoughtful